Letting Go

Today I resigned from my secretary position and popcorn kernal for my son's Boy Scout Troop. At the beginning both my husband and I were very involved in the camp outs, food drives and other scouting adventures but that slowly went away. Kyle was first. He resigned from scouting completely, oh, at least a year and a half ago. I have persisted, although each week getting less and less involved. I decided I could be 100% involved in the parent meetings but this to has been taken away.
Isn't it horrible to say that something has been taken away by your own child? Well, in a way it has. We have been advised to let go of our participation once again as parents. And it is so sad. I can't help but sob, for yet, another loss. My mother was my scout leader until I was a junior in high school and she was great! She was also the Director of the Council for 15 years. Scouting is a big deal and I was so excited to get my son involved in such a great organization.
Accepting him for what he is will be better, I hope. I just can't see how not being present for your child is helpful but I will trust those who have traveled this path before. It is all that is left to do...

a day at a time

I don't really know where to begin today. I just feel like I need to write so that I might help someone who comes across my little blog and is going through what I have gone through the past few days.

Recently I have set up a little rewards system for myself. Doesn't work for him but it seems to be working for me! I give my self a little smiley face for each day I do not raise my voice in anger. I have 6 faces for 7 days. Granted, I have walked a lot more and I have gotten a tremendous amount of gardening done which is great for everyone. The drama that he brings to the house has not changed but I have done very well in keeping my self calm, kind, fun and loving.

With that said some of his behaviors that we haven't seen for a couple of years have come back. Hygiene issues being a big one. It occurred to me, just last night that when we found out 2 years ago that he wasn't using soap and shampoo in the shower, having skid marks in his underwear, and peeing on the floor we blamed it on the foster parents for not teaching him basic hygiene. Well, now I know it was "playing dumb" behavior. It took it happening again for me to understand. I swear sometimes I am so naive. He still can charm me, sometimes. All I want is for him to healthy, happy and to feel safe.

Anyway, the behaviors have returned. I have addressed the underwear issues in a non-judgmental way and will continue to do so, which I might add, are worse than skid marks this time around, by having him hand wash them. I swear, I wouldn't be surprised if he has a rash. Geez. I remain matter of fact, safe and calm. The shower is going to bring a huge tantrum, I keep waiting for the next night that the soap will be wet. So, no more waiting, no more B.O., it will be tonight. If that bar of soap is dry and sitting in the same place as it was before he got in there, well, I am going to say, "Please take a shower." I will say this as many times as he needs me to say it. Again, matter of fact, safe and calm. I will just need to remember to give him plenty of time. Probably 3 times the amount that it usually takes him to take a shower. This is because this morning it took him 5 times to complete his morning chore plus: a broken broom, 2 torn out plants, and thrashing on the front walk like a fish out of water.
It helps me to understand that these actions are him trying to gain control. The calmer I remain; The happier I am; remaining a soft place (I am really working on this one boy o' boy); The more fun I bring into the home; The more it seems he freaks out. It is his way of feeling in control and it isn't working; he just can't figure it out. It is so, super scary for him. So very scary.

There was a high point today. He let me hold him. Really hold him. You might even say, "cradling". It lasted about 3 minutes before he was at his RAD self again. That is okay; he felt safe for a little today, and he liked me a little today. I will remain strong with my smiley faces.

How To Be Alone

thanks to a creative mind Tanya Davis, and Caspiana, for posting a wonderful video called How To Be Alone. i am reminded that I am one who has always treasured being alone. lately i have forgotten to be really alone, not just at home reading another therapeutic book. this video has reminded me of that. it relayed to me what i am feeling is best for my son - is the best thing. shocking, for sure.
i feel like it has been me against the world in regards to my son. his charming outwardly appearance wins everyone over and i can't seem to get any one to take me seriously enough to move forward. well, yesterday was different. i started emailing his teachers and demanding a meeting. saying things like, "he doesn't need excuses, he needs skills!" Ya!
and, and
well
i took some video into the therapist. i have been taping my child for some time now trying to figure out... well, him. he is very intriguing, many layers and the layers change. well, we all know what i am talking about. the therapist jumped into action. she contacted his skills trainer to see when she can view him in a school setting, she contacted the teachers wanting to participate in setting up an IEP, and most of all she saw it. She saw it!
even through my mistakes, she still saw what i see
and my other mistakes, she still saw it
day in
day out

now to trust
some more

i just don't want him to slip through the cracks any longer
it is not fair to him

being alone
i have been very much alone
with my daily life

i am ready to be alone
like sitting on a bench

just sitting

Honesty

"Honesty brings Peace" which means there is no peace in our home. At this point I don't even think of it as a home. I have a feeling we are at a low. I wish I could say my child is at a low and I am there to lift him. But it seems that he pulls us all into his hole, even the new puppy. I am there to lift him. There are just some days that I am stronger than other days.
It would be so much easier to be compassionate if I knew he was genuine. That brings up a whole other topic: What does it mean to be genuine? I will save that for another day. Or ponder that today.
Anyway, it seems like he is always thinking from his head and when there is nothing in his head he cries, pouts, hits himself or my favorite, silence. And I have to be kind, calm and patient. Over and over again, the cycle never seems to end.
Today I am posting because our trust in him has basically diminished. I am having a hard time with my compassion for him when I can not communicate with him.
I read somewhere recently (Sorry I can not cite this) to be thankful for breathing in and out. This has been my mantra during these hard times and has helped And even my child's breathe.

res·pite/ˈrespət/Noun

res·pite/ˈrespət/Noun

1. A short period of rest or relief from something difficult or unpleasant.

My husband and I went on a little adventure just the two of us. Our kid had a troop camp out planned which I usually attend. This year we decided to take the break! It was wonderful. We only complained about him twice and both times it was right before bed to my dearest cousin. The poor thing. He was gracious and accommodating. On the car ride home we had to quiet each other and remind ourselves to be positive, at least for now.

It is strange to miss your dogs more than your child. I wanted to hear every last detail about his scout adventure but I knew I would have to be happy to hear the smallest of detail. He did talk for about 5 minutes when we first were all together but the rest of Sunday was just like it was on the previous Friday except that my husband and I were calm which made it much easier to stay positive and light.

Three things I will remember from this trip:
1. Laughing is so much fun.
2. Sun rises are still my favorite thing.
3. The Hidden Forest and how it made me feel when we came upon it.

We will work hard to have another weekend, just the two of us, sooner than 2 years from now. It did us a world of good. As it will to those of you who read this too!

April Fool's Day

Wanting so badly to play a little trick with my kid today was at the top of my mind. I remember my dad always doing a little silly thing on this, the first day of April. But as I thought of the consequences of such a sweet and funny moment and the turmoil he may experience. The unexpected, the not planned will bring on the stressed and puffed out child with a face that screams, "What the heck is going on?" So, once again, I will let one of my memories of childhood remain my own.

Day One

This is new for me but I want to support the community of RAD mom's just as they have supported me.

"May the long time sun shine upon you,
all love surround you,
and the pure light within you,
guide your way on"