Recently I have set up a little rewards system for myself. Doesn't work for him but it seems to be working for me! I give my self a little smiley face for each day I do not raise my voice in anger. I have 6 faces for 7 days. Granted, I have walked a lot more and I have gotten a tremendous amount of gardening done which is great for everyone. The drama that he brings to the house has not changed but I have done very well in keeping my self calm, kind, fun and loving.
With that said some of his behaviors that we haven't seen for a couple of years have come back. Hygiene issues being a big one. It occurred to me, just last night that when we found out 2 years ago that he wasn't using soap and shampoo in the shower, having skid marks in his underwear, and peeing on the floor we blamed it on the foster parents for not teaching him basic hygiene. Well, now I know it was "playing dumb" behavior. It took it happening again for me to understand. I swear sometimes I am so naive. He still can charm me, sometimes. All I want is for him to healthy, happy and to feel safe.
Anyway, the behaviors have returned. I have addressed the underwear issues in a non-judgmental way and will continue to do so, which I might add, are worse than skid marks this time around, by having him hand wash them. I swear, I wouldn't be surprised if he has a rash. Geez. I remain matter of fact, safe and calm. The shower is going to bring a huge tantrum, I keep waiting for the next night that the soap will be wet. So, no more waiting, no more B.O., it will be tonight. If that bar of soap is dry and sitting in the same place as it was before he got in there, well, I am going to say, "Please take a shower." I will say this as many times as he needs me to say it. Again, matter of fact, safe and calm. I will just need to remember to give him plenty of time. Probably 3 times the amount that it usually takes him to take a shower. This is because this morning it took him 5 times to complete his morning chore plus: a broken broom, 2 torn out plants, and thrashing on the front walk like a fish out of water.
It helps me to understand that these actions are him trying to gain control. The calmer I remain; The happier I am; remaining a soft place (I am really working on this one boy o' boy); The more fun I bring into the home; The more it seems he freaks out. It is his way of feeling in control and it isn't working; he just can't figure it out. It is so, super scary for him. So very scary.
There was a high point today. He let me hold him. Really hold him. You might even say, "cradling". It lasted about 3 minutes before he was at his RAD self again. That is okay; he felt safe for a little today, and he liked me a little today. I will remain strong with my smiley faces.
